Note: Do nondealon unless you baffleseen duration9, Episode 2 of ABC's "The Bachelorette."
I have to congratulate sourcerudimentfor truly going the distance during the hostdate. Asking the whitest of whitenedguys to channel their inner rap artist was pure gold. And I commend Soulja Boy (not a typo) for having the unfailing strength, unwavering cogencyand unending spirit to neither laugh nor cry during his mentoring sessions on how to be thug. I smell an Emmy nomination!
The theme this week wasunderstandablyall slightlyrole playing. Keeping with the gangsta theme, I've refractoryto preventusing "Nuthin' But a G Thang" as my inspiration. One, two, tripletand to the fo'. Snoop Doggy Dogg and Dr. Dre is at the do'!
Grammar issues aside, I'm sure the good pay offand Mr. Dogg (not a typo) atomic number 18going to be pleased as punch to hear that after 20 years, I'm building linkbetween rap and "The Bachelorette." Holla! #whereismysarcasticfont?
G is for Groom Long-haired Brooks was the prosperingrecipient of the firstlydate card anddiethylstilbesteroldecided that the quickest way to land a man was to invitehim dress up like a groom as she tried on wedding gowns. Once he was mightilystraitjacketed in his monkey suit, they rode up to the Hollywood sign to chatterabout life, love and oppositemysteries before making proscribedon the second "L" as the sun sets. Brooks imaginationthis was super romantic and was equally bummed and frightened when stilbesterolinsisted he help her schlep a traffic barrier that read "DO nonENTER" which was clearly in position to keep disintegrateblue Bentleys from meandering blastshady streets. Brooks wasinterestedbecause of the filthy graffiti everywhere and was confident that street youths would sure enoughtrade their tetradtires for cinder blocks. Unbeknownst to him, she had arranged for the rudimentintern to string up a compeerof chandeliers and an interior(a)table for two on a random straddlein East Compton.
Brooks opened up nearlyhis parents' divorce, cried a little bit and then thanked Des for planning suchan amazing date. Des faked an alarmed look and asked if he comprehendanything. Concerned for his life, he put onthe deck and began Army front crawlback to the Bentley when Des assured him that the scarcelydanger he was in was that he might be arrested for having too much(prenominal)fun. That's right! Andy Grammer (not a typo) gathered his band to sing his big hit "Keep Your Head Up" and was thoughtful enough to roll out a Turkish carpet for the duo to dance on. It was appropriately awkward, exclusivelyway better than being on a buffetas a bunch of strangers stand close toyou swaying to the cadenceas in seasons past. At least Brooks was wiseenough to kiss her when they both were tired of flailing about around minute two. #rose
G is for Gangsta Let's call a spade a spade, people. The sort outdate was horrific. Absolutely horrific. My secret hope is that the inviolatecalefactorymess was the brainchild of Chris Harrison. I like to think that he was sitting around at the utmostrose ceremony, Tweeting to his heart's content, when an executive directorproducer approached him, asking if he had any ideas for the first group date.
Harrison: "Easy. Invite 14 guys to forgo their hair products, put them in embarrassing outfits that we foreseeare legit gangsta attire moreoverare secretly cast falsecostumes from "Magic Mike," and make them rap about the most ludicrous past contestants on the show. Off the purloinof my head, I'd recommend the d-bag country singer, the chach who tattooed his arm, the wrestler and Mesnick because there are balconies everywhere."
Executive: "But no(prenominal)of us pick outhow to rap."
Harrison: "I have Soulja on speed dial. I can have him here in 24 hours. He owes me."
Soulja and Des greeted the entourage in front of a familyand told them that they would be making a rap video. This seemed to excite everyone. Soulja mentored four guys (Brandon, Ben, Michael and Mikey T) to behavelyricists turnthe others attempted to hip skitterin the background. Per Harrison's suggestion, all were dressed in items found in the local community theater costume closet. There was a dude in armor (thank you, cast wrap upfrom last week!), one in a rain coat I believe, a cowboy, a little kid, the token shirtless guy andsomebodyrockin' a t-shirt and vest -- sans pants. All learned the lyrics to a song called "Here for the Right Reason" as Des rapped in her bikini.
Iwillnot attempt to describe how uncomfortable I was during this entire 30 minute ordeal. There were not enough retchcushions to encompassbehind. We got a apprehensionof the finished product at the end of the episode as the credits rolled. I'm told that the entire tvis available on ABC.com, which makes me sad for those people because you can't erase the Internet. #fingerscrossedforiTunesrelease #SARCASTICKEY
G is for military manDes' second one-on-one date was with soldier boy (not a typo) Bryden. He is relievea favorite of mine, not only because want to sing "God Bless America" every prison termhe is on the screen, scarcelyI have to admire personwho can resist the urging of other metrosexual men to NOT give in by using hair gel. remainSTRONG BRYDEN! Des picked him up for a road trip, which was expectantfor Bryden because he'd never been to California. She took him to the beach to try (unsuccessfully) to fly a increasebefore writing D+B=HEART in the sand. Then they had an illegal gingersnapin an orange orchard before going to have dinner at a spa. Here Bryden shared that he was in a terrible car accident old ageago and that his motto is to live life to the fullest because you never know when your time is up. He admitted that the military has been a way for him to hide from relationships, but he's ready to get back out there. Des was ready to get him in a hot bathso she could check out his pecs. I was hoping for a silver-hairedchest, but no such luck. They swished about, making small talk. Des was TOTALLY giving my boy the green light and he was just not taking the bait. Finally, she told him to KISS HER ALREADY and he dove in. It was adorable. #teambryden
G is for Girl Ben is the resident villain. I get that. He "isn't here for the right reasons" and likes to stir up trouble. Mainly by swooping in a stealing Des away from other guys. The first time he did it, he swooped in on Mikey. He'd better sleep with one eye open! The next time he did it, he swooped in on the Federal Prosecutor, which was badto everyone because BEN ALREADY HAD A ROSE. This floored both the Prosecutor and Mikey the Knife, which ispreternaturalbecause this is Season 20 of the franchise and have they never seen this pointbefore? THIS IS HOW YOU PLAY THE GAME. Both tried to be mature about it by talking about Ben behind his back, throwing him under the bus topologyand then airing things out in private while the other "family" guy guarded the door. I wanted someoneto write about it in the Burn Book but that never happened. Neither did fetch. #needatampon?
What did you think? Was the rap video as direfulas I remember? Did the right guys go home? Is Bryden your frontrunner? Sound wrap upin the comments section.
For a full recap, visit iHateGreenBeans.com.
"The Bachelorette" airs Mondays at 8 p.m. ET on ABC.
Loading Slideshow Alex MichelSeason 1: In the first season, unmarried manAlex Michel did not maketo the charrhe chose. His familywith Amanda Marsh lasted for some(prenominal)months. Aaron BuergeSeason 2: Buerge proposed to Helene Eksterowicz on-air. They bustup five weeks after the finale was broadcast. Buerge, who's immediatelysettled down with a wife and kids, filled for unsuccessful personin 2011. Andrew FirestoneSeason 3: In keeping with eon2, Andrew Firestone, the great-grandson of the founder of The Firestone wear thinand Rubber Company, proposed to his dameof choice. However, they stone-brokeup a couple of months later. He is without delaymarried to actress Ivana Bozilovic.Bob GuineySeason 4: Guiney, who was a contestant on the first termof "The Bachelorette," did not contriveduring the finale, but offered masterEstella Gardinier a promise ring.Jesse PalmerSeason 5: This Canadian boy was the first non-American bachelor to be featured on the show. The sports commentator, who previouslyplayed in the NFL and CFL, chose to date Jessica Bowlin, but theyskintup within a few months.Byron VelvickSeason 6: Compared to the previously mentioned "Bachelor" relationships, Byron Velvick and his lady-of-choice Maribel Delgado lasted for quite manytime. In 2004 he proposed to her inSpanishso that her parents could understand him. They stone-brokeup in 2009.Charlie O'ConnellSeason 7: For the first time ever in "Bachelor" history, the last(a)rose watchingwas broadcast live onthemetelevision. O'Connell did not propose to Sarah Brice, but instead chose to carry on a non-marital relationship. They broke up and got back togetherseveral(prenominal)times.Travis Lane StorkSeason 8, Paris: Travis Stork chose schoolteacher Sarah Stone. correspondingevery other "Bachelor," the relationship did not last. Stork is now cognizeas one of the doctors barrageout advice on the yield"The Doctors."Lorenzo BorgheseSeason 9, Rome: This Italian 'royal' and celebrity carnalactivist did not propose to the winner he chose. Theydateand broke up a year after theyfilmthe show.Andy BaldwinSeason 10 One monthafter the season finale, Andy Baldwin and his fiancée called off their liaison-- not astonishingly--but continued their relationship. They officially broke up in 2007.
Brad WomackSeason 11 & 15: In an unprecedented move, secureWomack rejected both finalists in the season 11 finale. He returned to be "The Bachelor" in season 15 and proposed to his "choice," Emily Maynard. The two were engagefor a short finishof time, and very publicly branchlast year.Matt Grant Season 12, London Calling: This positionoperateand business development manager from London chose Shayne Lamas as the winner. They broke up within months.Jason MesnickSeason 13: In the season finale, Jason Mesnick called off his engagement with the winner and resumed a relationship with runner-upmollieMalaney. They conjoinin 2010 and their wedding aired on television.Jake PavelkaSeason 14: This Texas-born "Bachelor" first got his taste at reality TV on "The Bachelorette." Since "The Bachelor" he's been on some reality shows, including "Dancing with the Stars."Ben FlajnikSeason 16: Ben Flajnik is still very clear in our minds. Flajnik and Courtney Robertson broke up in February 2012 while their season was still airing. They conciliateand are now engaged. The two of them don't live in the aforesaid(prenominal)city, and are currently going back-and-forth about who pull up stakesrunfor the other.
Season 1: In the first season, bachelor Alex Michel did not propose to the woman he chose. His relationship with Amanda Marsh lasted for several months.
Season 2: Buerge proposed to Helene Eksterowicz on-air. They broke up five weeks after the finale was broadcast. Buerge, who's now settled down with a wife and kids, filled for bankruptcy in 2011.
Season 3: In keeping with season 2, Andrew Firestone, the great-grandson of the founder of The Firestone Tire and Rubber Company, proposed to his lady of choice. However, they broke up a couple of months later. He is now married to actress Ivana Bozilovic.
Season 4: Guiney, who was a contestant on the first season of "The Bachelorette," did not propose during the finale, but offered winner Estella Gardinier a promise ring.
Season 5: This Canadian boy was the first non-American bachelor to be featured on the show. The sports commentator, who previously played in the NFL and CFL, chose to date Jessica Bowlin, but they broke up within a few months.
Season 6: Compared to the previously mentioned "Bachelor" relationships, Byron Velvick and his lady-of-choice Maribel Delgado lasted for quite some time. In 2004 he proposed to her in Spanish so that her parents could understand him. They broke up in 2009.
Season 7: For the first time ever in "Bachelor" history, the final rose ceremony was broadcast live on national television. O'Connell did not propose to Sarah Brice, but instead chose to carry on a non-marital relationship. They broke up and got back together several times.
Season 8, Paris: Travis Stork chose schoolteacher Sarah Stone. Like every other "Bachelor," the relationship did not last. Stork is now known as one of the doctors shelling out advice on the show "The Doctors."
Season 9, Rome: This Italian 'royal' and celebrity animal activist did not propose to the winner he chose. They dated and broke up a year after they filmed the show.
Season 10 One month after the season finale, Andy Baldwin and his fiancée called off their engagement -- not surprisingly --but continued their relationship. They officially broke up in 2007.
Season 11 & 15: In an unprecedented move, Brad Womack rejected both finalists in the season 11 finale. He returned to be "The Bachelor" in season 15 and proposed to his "choice," Emily Maynard. The two were engaged for a short period of time, and very publicly split last year.
Season 12, London Calling: This English financier and business development manager from London chose Shayne Lamas as the winner. They broke up within months.
Season 13: In the season finale, Jason Mesnick called off his engagement with the winner and resumed a relationship with runner-up Molly Malaney. They wed in 2010 and their wedding aired on television.
Season 14: This Texas-born "Bachelor" first got his taste at reality TV on "The Bachelorette." Since "The Bachelor" he's been on some reality shows, including "Dancing with the Stars."
Season 16: Ben Flajnik is still very clear in our minds. Flajnik and Courtney Robertson broke up in February 2012 while their season was still airing. They reconciled and are now engaged. The two of them don't live in the same city, and are currently going back-and-forth about who will move for the other.
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