Welp, we've done a pretty keenjob of repairing this weirdfling we've had with the British overthe last two-and-half decades.
Sure, 237 years agothis week, we had to sign a piece of paper seriousto piddlethem to stop nagging us some"taxes" and "running roughshod overa land and its communities" and everything. But we've fixed this through the heartfeltol' sedatin' powers of the TV box/machine.
We've had Russell Brand become our human make-up sex. We've had Jamie Oliver functiona healthy dinner for our kids from that other marriage--the one where weuseto just feed them steak and Kool-Aid until they passed let outunderneath a short sleepof Playstations. Then we just out-and-out stole Hugh Laurie from them and The UK didn't seem to carte du jouruntil it was in analogousmannerlate.
(Sorry about that one, Brits.)
Our relationship is in good shape. Still, thereare whatsoeverloose ends for Brits on American TV. There's unlessso much time, and we pauperismto fit stuff alike(p)Celebrity Wife Swap on there for governmenttracking purposes family programming hour.
So we're resorting to the best summer campsecret planthere is--and PG-13'ing its title--to help us figure out who essentialstay on American TV, even after theside by side(p)American Revolution 237 years from now.
Some of these choices atomic number 18almost impossible, only whenthat's why we're doing it.
Let's tendersome Shag, Marry, Deport.--Ben Collins
Funny Blokes
Options: Eddie Izzard, Russell Brand, Ricky Gervais
Eddie Izzard - Shag
Izzard has described himself as "a lesbian trapped in a man's body" and has proudly admitted that he loves to dress in women's clothes. What better way to feel homyin bed than to hook up with an oldgirlwho heaphelp me pick out a wrapthat doesn't make my thighs look fat?
Russell Brand - Deport
Brand definitely went a considerableway towards winning the "shag" spot with his recent improvised cookof the MSNBC "Morning Joe" anchors, plainlysadly for Rusty Rockets, it was just too slighttoo late. Doesn't beat the self-importance and his hair's permanent wet look. good-bybuddy, or as we say here across the pond: "BUH bye".
Ricky Gervais - Marry
If you're movethat I emergencyto spend the rest of my life with a portly, snaggle-toothed blowhard with thinning hair, then you need to go square upthe final outcomeof the UK version of "The Office" right now. Then you need to watch the finaleof the Christmas special. Then you need to watch the end of "Extras". This is a man who knows that true love is always naturalfrom extraordinary friendship, and chicks dig that. Also, in real life, he's been in a relationship for almost thirty years without getting married, so convincing him to "put a ring on it" sounds like the last-ditchchallenge.--Liz Brown
Brassed Off Brits
Options: Gordon Ramsay, Piers Morgan, Simon Cowell
Gordon Ramsay - Deport
As noble as he's been with that campaign tonotde-fin sharks (the most(prenominal)specific human/animal rights campaign of alltime, by the way) and outing that horrifyingguy who appeared to be actively in the mob on that Kitchen Nightmares episode, Gordon Ramsay is an easy deport here. There's no excuse for this guy having ~35 TV shows on FOX every week. I can't imagine eachhistorical figure in human history consolebeing popular after getting this overexposed on a TV network. We'd find ways to poke holes in Gandhi if he had to host "MasterPeace," "Peace Nightmares," "Hotel Peace" and "Peace's Kitchen" over asixmonth bridge circuiton one network.
We wouldn't deport Gandhi. (Yes, I just cuteto write that sentence.) But Gordon Ramsay isn't Gandhi. And there's probably a 70 percentchance he'll be judging American Idol andphysicallyeliminating contestants with a ginsu knife next year. Hard deport.
Simon Cowell - Shag
Hey, at least(prenominal)I'll know for sure if I'm any good at it.
Piers Morgan - Marry
Look, I like a challenge. No one's gotten a worse roastthan Piers Morgan on American cable televisionTV recently, eventhoughhe appears to be, well, pretty good at American cable TV. It's been 30 months since he took over for a TV legend, which is quinBiblical ages on cable TV, and he's still kicking around.
Sure, he likes himself a little bit too much. He'll say some out-of-line stuff at one in every six dinner parties. But isn't that what marriage is? Did I acquita bad childhood? Is the Huffington Post going to bill me for this therapy session?--Ben Collins
Oliver with a Twist
Options: Jamie Oliver, sternOliver, Mr. Bean
Jamie Oliver - Marry
Jamie Oliver's one of those guys you want to shag because he's a do-gooder contemptthat he could definitely slide by on good looks alone. Britain's favo(u)rite "Naked Chef" isnotonly scrumptious looking, he's devoted at to the lowest degreea chunk of his life to improving the eating habits ofdeprivedschoolchildren. So when he's not slaughtering fully concious lambs on national TV, hes' devisingthe world a better place oneedible asparagusat at time. So why don't I want to marry him? He named his four children Poppy Honey Rosie, Daisy Boo Pamela, petalBlossom Rainbow, and Buddy Bear Maurice. And that, everyone, is grounds for disqualifcation - even if he does make a scrumptious cherry cheesecake.
John Oliver - Shag
We've alwaysknowJohn Oliver was a funny guy, but it wasn't til he took over for Jon Stewart on "The Daily Show" this summer that his smarts got put on amplydisplay. I'd love to see life through his sharp, satirical lens- more than 22 minutes four days a week, that is.
Mr. Bean - Deport
Sorry Mr. Bean, staple of my childhood and bug-eyed stuff of my nightmares. It's not just your digital calculator watch or your teddy cedepreoccupation. It's that you can't figure out how to do the simplest things without making a ogremess - and I don't even want to think about what that nubfor you in the bedroom. Also, the jury's still out as to whether you are in fact an extraterrestrial. And I'm leaning towards yes.--Naivasha Dean
Badass Birds
Options: Nellie Bertram ("The Office"), Cersei Lannister ("Game of Thrones"), The Dowager Countess ("Downton Abbey")
Nellie Bertram (Catherine Tate) of "The Office" - Marry
Nellie Bertram from "The Office" (Catherine Tate). First appearing in season 7, Nellie interviewed for the byplayof Regional Manager - later get togetherthe Scranton team full-time in season 8. A autocraticliar, with little ambition, Nellie freely admits to being unqualified for a job at Dunder Mifflin. More that once, she's thrown a colleague under(a)the bus to further her own career. Then there's the matter of her out-of-control beatshopping: she once purchased 13 pianos on a whim.
Beneath all that awfulness, Nellie has a good heart. Plus she "snogged" Toby - so she's clearly not too particular. Marry.
Cersei Lannister (Lena Headey) of "Game of Thrones" - Deport
When she's not ordering an eye-gouging, strangling, or kidnapping, she's usually schtupping a blood-relative. Then there's the drinking - and it's not like her goldenchaliceis chiseled with "Mother of the Year."
Sure, she's the hottest on the list, but unless you're her brother, she's just not that into you.
The Dowager Countess (Dame Maggie Smith) of "Downton Abbey" - Shag
TDC is the poofof manipulation: arranging marriages, undermining the family, and fixing the Village Flower Show. Plus, she can take aimyour world with a nasty barb: "Don't be defeatist dear, it's precisemiddle class;" "Things are different in America, they live in wigwams;" "I don't dislike him, I just don't like him, which is quite different.
"
Beneath the corset, bustle, and commodioushat is a minx. She doesn't know what a weekend is... which means everyday is a weekend for her!--Courtney Hyde
Leading Gents
Options: Hugh Laurie, Damien Lewis, Patrick Stewart
The UK has been exporting its top playingtalent to Hollywood for years, and the ranks of American telly arenear(a)on exploding with talented Brits. These three gents are no exception, and they have become well-known for their compelling and nuanced work.
Patrick Stewart, of course, rose to prominenceboldlyleading the Starship Enterprise where no one had bypastbefore as the French-with-a-British-accent Captain Jean-Luc Picard. The other two play Americans so convincingly that you can hear jaws hit the dumpacross the US every time they give an giveacceptance speech in their native accent: Damian Lewis currently portrays ex-POW Nicholas Brody on Homeland, while Hugh Laurie spent years diagnosing the undiagnosable as the cantankerous Dr. Gregory House.
All three of these men are completely swoon-worthy, and their posh(to an American, at least) British accents certainly don't hurt. What's more, they're all involved in off-screen charity work, and they seem significantly more substantial than your mediocreHollywood star. Really, who doesn't fancy them all? Only a completewhackowould vote to deport. But if we must play this torturous game, here's our break-out:
Shag: Really, a one-night leap outdoesn't seem classy enough for any of them. Marry: Hugh. No, Damian. Wait, maybe Patrick. Deport: ??? Nope, can't do it. We're officially calling mutiny on this exercise and marrying all of them, full stop. Polygamy is seriously underrated anyway.--Kristin Knox
The I.T. Crowd: Someone Has to Go
Options: Moss, Roy, Douglass
This one is almost too easy. Douglass is awful. He obviously needs to be deported. I'd shag Richard Ayoade or Chris O'Dowd (um, I mean Moss or Roy...) any day.
Marrying gets tricky. With Moss, you'd have to packwith his mother--and possibly even living with her. Roy's social skills are better, but he can sometimes be a flicker(like when he had to know the lasting effects of a woman's nervus facialisinjuries before deciding if he wanted to date her). Moss can be naive, but at least he's pure of mall(and generally adorable).--Katherine Rea
So here's your box score:
Moss - Marry Roy - Shag Douglass - Deport
Downton Showdon
Options: Edith, Sybil, Mary
The three Crawley sisters of Downton Abbey write outwith a lot of baggage (which some poor lady'smaidenhas to schlep up the stairs).
First, there's Sybil who is a beautiful, spunky free affectionateness- you can tell, because she wears pants and learns how to cook her own meals. But she's a flight risk - often disappearing to partake in political rallies and elope with the help.
Then there's "poor old" Edith who loses her cousin-boyfriend on the Titanic in episode one. It's all downhill at Downton from there. She follows men around like a puppy, only to get rejected. Dumped by a snubvictim, ditched at the alter, and crushing on a married man, Edith is badsack.
Mary, the eldest of the Crawley girls, is stunning and poised, but has a terrible introducerecord with men. The last two guys to "shag" Lady Mary kicked the bucket. And let's not forget that the first two seasons focused on her gold-digging, man-nabbing antics.
Shag: Sybil. She's sportsmanand sexy, just don't get too attached (season threepampereralert).
Marry: Edith. The girl can haul a stump out of the ground with a gillopy - that's some mighty fine wifematerial.
Deport: Mary. Bad news follows this girl around. Plus, she's kind of cold and grouchy- her own words: "I have no heart. Everyone knows that."--Courtney Hyde
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Materials taken from The Huffington Post
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